The Classiest, Most Amazing Arsenal Preseason Ever

Thank you for that great welcome.  Please, you can stop clapping now. Oh okay, keep clapping.  Thank you.  Really.  Thanks so much.  Okay, I have a few things I wanna say.

I tell ya, I know Arsenal preseasons.  Seriously.  Everyone is saying this is the greatest Arsenal preseason they've ever seen. And I made it this way.  

I mean, we've made some amazing signings.  Just amazing.  I said way back in the spring, "You know, we're gonna make some amazing signings this summer."  And we did.  So thank you, to everyone who pointed that out to me.  I know.  I predicted this would happen.

We got great new players in, they're just fantastic.  Rob Holder, who's just an amazing holding midfielder, is here now.  And we've got Granite Chaka Khan, who does a terrific job with the ball.  Then I talked to Michael Arteta and I said, "You're fired," and he went crying over to Manchester.  They're paying him now but I won't do that because he's a loser.  And my hair will always be better than his.  

I just...I uh...I see that you've got a little Mourinho there and that he's crying.  That's ok.  It's fine that he's crying.  It's probably because he won't be in the Champions League.  Again.  I don't mind hearing him cry, so he can stay.  Thank you.  

Now we all know Arsenal came to America, which is just, you know, the greatest country in the world.  And I'm gonna make it even better.  Because it's not now.  Obama, he doesn't want Arsenal to come here.  He said so.  He's too weak to have Arsenal come here more than once, maybe twice, when he's President.  When I get elected, I'm going to make sure Arsenal are here all the time.  Even during the season.  Just not that O'zeal guy or El Nanny because we need to keep Muslim terrorists out of our great nation.  

Not only are Arsenal now top of the league alphabetically, but they're undefeated.  Because they're winners.  I can tell you, everybody's saying they're going to win all the trophies this year.  And I guarantee you, they will surprise a lot of people.  They have great poll numbers.  Just great.

Arsenal played great games this summer.  They tied with a French optometrist club.  They beat the MLS All Stars, who aren't great because I haven't made America great again.  They beat Guadalajara, who managed to get to California because I haven't built my wall yet to keep them out.  I know walls.  It's gonna be an amazing wall.

Actually, now all that crying is just getting annoying.  Can you take that Mourinho out of here please?  Yeah, I was just joking about liking the sound of a crying Mourinho.  Yes, I'm serious.  It's honestly one of the most annoying sounds in the world.  Seriously.  Where was I?  Oh right.

Well anyway, then Arsenal beat some Vikings, which is good.  Vikings are bad for business.  And the people trying to fight the Vikings need to step up, and that's what Arsenal did.  And then just this Sunday they beat Manchester, with loser Michael Arteta on the bench crying into his terrible hair.  

These have just been the most amazing preseason games ever.  And everyone knows this.  And now this is gonna be the most excellent season ever.  We've got the best players, we've got the best manager, and I'm going to buy this club because I have so much money.  I do.  I'm one of the richest people in the world, if you don't count anyone who's richer than me. 

So I know that, like all the real Americans out there, I'm gonna go to the Globe Pub and watch every match this season because I don't need to work since I haven't had a real job in, easily, like thirty years.  I know that all of you will help me do this so that together we can make Arsenal great again.

Thank you, and Victoria Accordion Crescent Roll.